Bread is Awesome! Some say it is solid Beer...

Toast! Aaa-aaaah! Saviour of the universe!

After many weeks and months of baking my own bread I succumbed to laziness and bought a loaf of 'Everyday Value' bread from Tesco, my mood cheering with the thoughts of quick and easy toast, melted butter and cold toast. This morning I cracked it open, obviously today is an 'every' day, nothing special, and I was dissapointed, this just isn't the same as what I was hoping for, oh well, it will be finished soon.

The rebranding of Tesco's value range has jogged something in my mind though. It's quite an interesting marketing move to limit your products away from the special occasions, are they telling me that I need to spend more money on my occasions because that thoroughly confuses me. If you are having a party, you want quantity in order to have enough for everyone, so you want cheap and cheerful, not their finest dinner party range.

Eight slices later, four in toast and butter form, four in tuna and watercress sandwich style, my craving may just be satiated… wait a minute, I have vegemite in the cupboard. Toaster prepare! 

I slide deftly across the floor, the bread arcing through the air and slotting succintly in the toaster, as the bread drops smartly into place my fingers take hold of the plunger and provide just enough force to drop the lever, too much and it would bounce back, too little and the ridiculously tempestuous toaster would refuse to heat my bread (we really need a new toaster, along with the kettle that boils half of its water away so that you need to fill the kettle for just one cup, I can hear the environmentally friendly sorts crying as I continue). A short hop and slide, my hand pulls open the fridge, my foot grasping the cupboard handle, my balance falters as my fingers fumble the buttery margarine (oh how I miss real butter) but in a moment of excellence I grasp both, the cupboard swings open, my elbow closes the fridge, I pivot on my toes and triumphantly waltz to the plate with vegemite and margarine in hand. Swipe, spread and slash my toast is prepared and I relax with my delightful snack.

Code Fuscia! Fridge is empty and snow batters the building! Challenge Accepted.

Unknown to even those who know it well, the exact time of arrival of the Scottish summer changes so often that even girls make fun of it! Anyway, last week we had barbecues, sunburn and heat stroke but this week we have snow, although speaking of the weather may comfort the rest of us Brits I regretfully inform you that this is not a normal post, this is the story of somewhat insane idea of fun, and while you read it, remember that I said this was fun, the fun I was having was overflowing and came out as cackles as I gazed through crazy eyes at what I had brought home.

So, to the story and a wonderful way it begins. I have finished third year of University in this fine city and I have a lot of free time ahead of me and I thought it best to start of productively; clothes washed, room tidied and cleaned, kitchen tidied and cleaned, random bits of paper sorted into their idea piles and just the shopping to do.

Gleefully I waltzed towards Riverside Tesco, a pleasant walk in a muggy bubble, empty rucksack flapping at my side like an overexcited packhorse who loves his work just a little too much, straps happy to be free to flap in the wind, the stench of cupboard rot wafting towards Perth, or Broughty Ferry, or Northwards and Southwards also, with... every... gust... of.... good 'ol Dundonian breeze.

Forthwith I arrived, slouched to the bank machine, my face fills with glee: Money! I trip the light fantastic, hop the aural armada and grace the grand sliding doors with my presence. Whipcrack! I deftly remove my list from its holster and peruse the scribblings before shooting off on my quest (as efficiently as possible of course.)

I tangoed with the trolley, foxtrotting to the fruit, waltzing into the women's hygiene aisle, ahem... Slowly backing away, I refocused and made for the last push, must not get distracted... oooh potato waffles!

List collected a congratulatory message appeared before my eyes "You have succesfully won the Golden Trolley Trophy for the speediest sweep of a supermarket (hope I don't need to pay for that)". To the till! The many hours I spent perfecting my Tetris technique came into its own as I keyed my pin into the machine.

Ten minutes later I was munching on a sandwich to build strength after repacking the uselessly packed rucksack, the stage was set, 1.5 miles, 26 kilos of goodness, one man...

For the first five minutes Haych-Too-O and his evil cousin Hayl were determined to fight me all the way, filling my hood, building a snowman between my back and the bag and other things of an irritable nature, little did it know that I was gaining strength from the miniature drops of refreshment that blasted their way up my nose.

As the hail calmed down the sun broke out and for the next twenty minutes I was bathed in the golden warmth (no I didn't pee myself, the sun!) and frigid wind as I powered my way back up the hill.

Discovering on my way, evidence of the dreaded kidnapper who uses tinned mackerel to lure unsuspecting boot wearers close before stealing them straight from those aforementioned boots!

To the victor, the spoils!

That is why I cackled, I just kept unloading my bag and the pile grew!
And here is old faithful himself, he has travelled far and wide (Nepal, Australia, Canada and India to name just a few) but this was his toughest challenge yet and, although looking like a sad carcass, he smiles with the happiness of a job well done and a challenge overcome perhaps that is more of a gurn...

It's odd moments of exercise and challenge like this that make me smile, I've been shut up doing work for too long and this is one of the results.

Welcome to the Tasty Side of the Internet!

So, Tesco are currently press-ganging me into buying posh kitchen knives and other accoutrements via a clever voucher and 70% off scheme. I'm not angry, I love kitchen goodies and I have also screwed their system: you gain a voucher for every £20 you spend and you need five to get 70% off (making the knife, or chopping board or knife block) only a fiver (or £4.99 to be exact) and I've got somewhat excited, it might be the freezer-full of venison or the glass of red wine that I'm drinking (left-over from cooking venison stew!) but I love the kitchen, and cooking and food in general so that is why I have this section, to gorge endlessly on culinary confabulations!

Then again I may just be associating venison with Dire Straits, good album by the way, Money For Nothing, what album were you thinking of?

P.S. Anybody have more vouchers, I think I need another four steak knives, you never know how many people you may have around for steak, or how often you want to eat steak in one day without washing, you never want to run out of steak, or knives to eat them with.

Alternatives

If you have run out of ice cubes, why not use frozen peas. They are a commodity often discovered stuffed in the back of a freezer, locked in time and prisoner to the great crystalline Haych-Too-O (although good friends with the humble chipped potato, unfortunately lost in the great defrost of 99) and provide suitable sustenance and cooling properties. Despite the slightly odd appearance the refreshingly healthy qualities of the species pieopitus pea will rejuvenate even the oldest, saggiest, most tired and sad geriatric liver.